I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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