first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
