she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
