she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Naked. naked and bneed help.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
