Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
