I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
