he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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