Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
