I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
