He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
