Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I could fuck to npr.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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