So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
