What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
