The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
