HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
