yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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