I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
