I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
