possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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