great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
