I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
