While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
