I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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