I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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