I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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