my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
