btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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