I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
