as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
