I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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