Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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