when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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