I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
