if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
