its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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