Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
