someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can you repeat that, but with context?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
