It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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