The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
