Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
