I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
