Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
