Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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