Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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