he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
