what if every blade of grass was a penis?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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