i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
