How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
