I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
