Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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