John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
