A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize