We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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