I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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