She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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