oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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