I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
