I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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