MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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