Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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