ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
