Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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