dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
