So drunk its hurt
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
