you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
