Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
