i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
