can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
